Duper's Roast

The Emperor of Empty Suits

The man who runs Russia like a mob boss with a nuclear button. Not named in the Pandora Papers himself, but his associates apparently had a waterfront home in Monaco, because of course they did. Also runs a world-class money-laundering operation disguised as an oil company.

Extraction specialty: Gaslighting, literally.

The Art of the Legal Delay

Israel's Prime Minister has three corruption cases (Cases 1000, 2000, and 4000—clearly he ran out of creative names) involving expensive gifts, media favors, and regulatory benefits. Has been in court so long he probably has a reserved parking spot. Also has an ICC arrest warrant for war crimes.

Extraction specialty: Legal stalling as an Olympic sport.

The Man Who Bought the Presidency (Allegedly)

France's former president is appealing a five-year prison sentence for allegedly taking campaign cash from Libya's Moammar Gadhafi. His defense? “There is no Libyan money in my campaign”. Sure, Nicolas. Sure.

Extraction specialty: Campaign financing, the Gadhafi way.

The Billionaire Prime Minister Who Forgot to Mention a Few Things

Czech Republic's prime minister is the second-wealthiest Czech and is suspected of still controlling Agrofert despite putting it in a trust. Also failed to declare an offshore company used to buy a $22 million chateau. “I have never done anything illegal or wrong,” he said—which is exactly what someone who has done something illegal would say.

Extraction specialty: EU subsidies with a side of chateau.

The Monarch with a $100 Million Side Hustle

Created a network of offshore companies to amass a $100 million property empire from Malibu to London. “We have nothing to hide,” he said. The royal court said it was funded with his personal wealth.

Extraction specialty: Royal tax avoidance, now with extra castles.

Azerbaijan's First Family of Offshore Real Estate

Long accused of corruption, Aliyev's family has been secretly involved in property deals in Britain worth hundreds of millions.

Extraction specialty: Dynastic wealth management.

Kenya's Anti-Corruption Champion (Who Forgot to Mention His 11 Offshore Companies)

Campaigned against corruption but his family allegedly owns 11 offshore companies. “Enhance financial transparency,” he said—apparently meaning for other people.

Extraction specialty: Irony.

Ecuador's President with a Trust Fund

Defended himself after revelations he lodged funds in U.S. trusts. “All my revenue has been declared,” he said—which is technically true, if you consider “declared” meaning “hidden in a trust.”

Extraction specialty: Creative accounting.

Ukraine's Anti-Corruption President with a London Property Portfolio

Used offshore companies to buy three upmarket properties in London. His office said it was “protecting himself.”

Extraction specialty: Self-defense through real estate.

Pakistan's Prime Minister with a Problematic Inner Circle

Members of his inner circle secretly own companies and trusts holding millions. Vowed to “take appropriate action” if wrongdoing is proved.

Extraction specialty: Delegation.

Congo's President with British Virgin Islands Connections

Linked with companies in the BVI.

Extraction specialty: African wealth, Caribbean storage.

Gabon's President with the Same BVI Problem

Also linked with companies in the British Virgin Islands.

Extraction specialty: Copycat extraction.

The Former PM Who Legally Avoided Stamp Duty

Criticized tax loopholes while legally avoiding paying stamp duty on a London property by buying the offshore company that owned it.

Extraction specialty: Hypocrisy, legally.

Norway's Former PM Under Investigation

Under investigation for aggravated corruption.

Extraction specialty: Nordic noir, but with fewer detectives.

Israel's Former PM and Epstein's Friend

The documents detail Epstein’s role as a “fixer” for Mossad-linked ventures involving Barak.

Extraction specialty: Intelligence-linked influence operations.

The UK’s “Prince of Darkness”

Resigned from the House of Lords after being linked to Epstein—allegedly leaked classified market data to the financier.

Extraction specialty: Information arbitrage.

The Man Who Turned Starvation into a Business

Venezuelan billionaire extradited to the U.S. for siphoning money intended to ease a starvation crisis.

Extraction specialty: Humanitarian aid, redirected.

The Oligarch Who Collects Sanctions Like Stamps

Under investigation for money laundering and sanctions violations. His “conspiracy” claim against Jersey is a nice touch.

Extraction specialty: Asset protection through legal theater.

The Telecom Titan Who Forgot Taxes Exist

French billionaire under investigation for a “vast corruption scheme” involving Altice. Police raided his operation and seized €14 million.

Extraction specialty: Telecommunications fraud.

The Ferrari Chairman Who Almost Skipped Inheritance Tax

Sentenced to community service for attempting to avoid taxes on a €1 billion inheritance.

Extraction specialty: Italian luxury tax evasion.

The Man Who Runs Things by Accident

His DOGE operation reportedly terminated ~2,000 NOAA employees. Also accused of corruption at taxpayer expense.

Extraction specialty: Government efficiency as an extraction tool.

The Australian Tech Billionaire Who Can't Stay Out of the News

WiseTech founder faced boardroom chaos, shareholder revolts, and a probe by the Australian Securities and Investments Commission.

Extraction specialty: Logistics? More like log-istics of covering things up.

The Commerce Secretary with Family Conflicts of Interest

Democratic lawmakers requested investigation into whether he improperly promoted AI data centers benefiting his family.

Extraction specialty: Regulatory capture, family style.

Indonesia's “Gasoline Godfather”

Fugitive oil tycoon wanted in a massive $18 billion graft probe involving state oil company Pertamina.

Extraction specialty: Liquid assets.

Uzbekistan's First Daughter of Money Laundering

Swiss bank Lombard Odier was fined $3.68 million in a case involving Karimova, daughter of a former Uzbek president.

Extraction specialty: Banking on family connections.

Panama's Law Firm of Choice for the World's Elite

Nearly 2 million Pandora Papers documents came from this firm, described as “a magnet for the rich and powerful.”

Extraction specialty: Offshore shell companies, made easy.

Swiss Banking with a Side of Laundering

Fined $3.68 million in a money laundering case.

Extraction specialty: Swiss discretion, now with extra fines.

The Trump Family Crypto Venture

Received a $2 billion deposit from UAE's ruling family. Two weeks later, the administration gave UAE access to advanced computer chips.

Extraction specialty: Pay-to-play crypto.

The Czech Subsidy Machine

Babis's chemicals, food, and media group got €94 million in EU subsidies in 2017.

Extraction specialty: Subsidies from the EU, profits to the owner.

The Corruption-Proof Telecom Empire

French police raided offices in an ongoing corruption probe involving Patrick Drahi.

Extraction specialty: Telecommunications, now with extra fraud.

Moldova's Sanctioned Oligarch

Under UK sanctions for serious corruption and bribery of foreign public officials.

Extraction specialty: International sanctions as a badge of honor.

Guatemala's Anti-Corruption Target

On the UK sanctions list for anti-corruption investigations into himself and other Guatemalan political elites.

Extraction specialty: Central American extraction.

Peru's Former President with a Prison Sentence

Sentenced to 14 years in prison for taking bribes.

Extraction specialty: Peruvian bribes, now with jail time.

South Korea's Former First Lady Under Investigation

Questioned over corruption charges.

Extraction specialty: First lady, questionable first.

Nigeria's Oil Sector Power Player

High-profile resignations amid explosive allegations of corruption and sabotage.

Extraction specialty: Nigerian oil, now with extra drama.

Norway's Diplomat Who Got Epstein Money

Suspended after it was revealed Epstein willed $10 million to her children.

Extraction specialty: Diplomatic inheritance.

Former Israeli PM, Epstein Associate (Honorable Mention)

The Epstein files detail his involvement with Mossad-linked ventures.

Extraction specialty: Intelligence extraction.

The Bone Saw Division

For America's corrupt billionaires, time heals all wounds—even from a murderous Saudi prince's bone saw.

Extraction specialty: Petrodollar extraction.

The “We Didn’t Do Anything Wrong” Division

Luxury jet from Qatar, UAE crypto investments, pardons for donor criminals.

Extraction specialty: The art of the steal.

The “I’m Not in Control” Division

Babis's trusts are “owned” by his wife while he remains in control.

Extraction specialty: Beneficial ownership, legally beneficial.

The “It’s Just Property” Division

Property deals in Britain worth hundreds of millions.

Extraction specialty: Baku to London, the scenic route.

The “We Welcome Transparency” Division

Kenyatta welcomed the Pandora Papers while owning 11 offshore companies.

Extraction specialty: Welcome to transparency, now with extra companies.

The “We’re Everywhere” Division

3 million pages of files exposing a global network of corruption.

Extraction specialty: Literally everything.

The “We’re Not Involved” Division

Epstein wrote in a 2016 email: “I represent the Rothschilds.” A special shout-out to the Rothschilds, who are apparently involved in everything while claiming to be involved in nothing. Classic.

Extraction specialty: Denial as a service.

The Central Bank of Central Banks

At the top of the financial pyramid.

Extraction specialty: Global extraction, centralized.

The Extraction Capital of the World

More than two-thirds of Pandora Papers companies were set up here.

Extraction specialty: Offshore services, now with extra palm trees.

The “We’ll Keep Your Money Safe” Division

Mapping how elites hide wealth.

Extraction specialty: Desert extraction.

The “We Told You So” Division

Repeatedly exposing corruption while governments do nothing.

Extraction specialty: Exposing extraction, like a boss.

The “You Thought We Were Done” Division

Ten years later, the networks and techniques used to conceal wealth remain global.

Extraction specialty: The gift that keeps on giving.

The “We’re All in This Together” Division

The entire system of offshore wealth, corruption, and extraction.

Extraction specialty: Controlling humanity through debt, manipulation, and hoarded wealth.